I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
