turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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