The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
