It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
