I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
