I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
