hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
