Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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