what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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