Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
