there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize