I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
