Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
