I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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