i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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