Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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