we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
