My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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