That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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