he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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