My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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