Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
