The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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