I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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