Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
