Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
