If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
