I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
