please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
