$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
