please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
