we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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