You can't special order awesome
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
