Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
