I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
