How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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