There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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