By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
