dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
