plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
