She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize