I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
