Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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