I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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