This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize