pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I cannot find my penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
