Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
