Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
