I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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