So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
