you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think people are normalizing furries
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
