I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
