Can i not drive my cunt home
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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