May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your cock deserves a montage
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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