consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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