Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
