The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize