I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Alive.
So much puke
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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