Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
