He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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