Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
