I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
