I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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