he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize