drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
