woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
